


I’m Not That Girl

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Throwdown</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’m Not That Girl

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a long time before the whole Lucy storyline ever came to light

All of her life she has been Quinn Fabray. Obviously. It’s not like she’s ever needed to enter the witness protection program or even had to alter her name in an attempt to reinvent herself although she has to admit that both of those options are looking appealing right now. It’s just that at some point she feels like she became less of a person and more of a name. She stopped being Quinn Fabray and became _Quinn Fabray_. Sometimes she feels like she is nothing more than a registered trade mark.

The Quinn Fabray line has been a successful one. She is pretty, she is popular, she is smart enough that she will never have to worry about academic probation, she is the head cheerleader of the all-conquering Cheerios and she is dating a football player. Her portfolio is shining and her shares are highly valued. Being Quinn Fabray has been an unmitigated success. She is a product worth investing and those below invest heavily. She mocks them for that but she doesn’t blame them, she might consider investing too if only she didn’t know better.

She has spent so much time and energy creating Quinn Fabray that she never stopped to think if being Quinn Fabray was what she actually wanted. She knows she should want the things that she has, after all everyone else does and the blind mass of lemmings that are her so called peers couldn’t possibly be wrong. Sometimes she does wonder if it’s her who’s wrong. Surely her achievements should leave her with a warm inner glow of contentment but she has always been aware that success is fleeting and that at any moment her life could come crashing down on her like a house of cards. Even so the vulnerability of her position is not what leaves her feeling cold, she can fight against it with continuing success upon success but her victories somehow always manage to feel a little bit hollow.

It feels wrong to complain. No-one pushed her into this position she is a victim of her own ambition and nothing more. She just wishes she had had more information at the start as there are some things in her life that were so not in the brochure. 

So she’s head cheer leader and dating a footballer – it sounds good on paper. On paper she is not sitting in hot tubs giving her boyfriend hand jobs cause she doesn’t really want to have sex with him. On paper she is not in the abstinence club and yet letting a guy fuck her to help her feel better about not wanting to have sex with her perfectly nice boyfriend. On paper she is not now carrying the child of a sleezy guy and lying to her boyfriend about it. In fairness she probably deserves the last one, she used Puck and the universe used her right back. It’s fitting punishment that she now has to watch Finn fall in love with a little girl that isn’t his and have him be sweet and supportive and every thing that she should want but somehow doesn’t.

Sometimes she wishes that she wasn’t Quinn Fabray and that she didn’t have to live up to her own creation of perfection. It would be nice to be the one who gets to say that girls want sex, it would be nicer to be the one whose psychotic ambition clearly makes her happy and it would be nice not to be jealous of someone who is so far below her is the cast system. God how she hates Rachel Berry. 

It’s not right that she should be jealous of Rachel. It goes against the natural order of things and it makes her doubt everything that she understands about the world. If she’s not sure that she wants to be Quinn Fabray she is most definitely sure that she shouldn’t be downsizing to become Rachel Berry. Rachel Berry is nothing that she wants to be – she is dowdy, she isn’t admired let alone envied, she is the butt of many jokes and the topic of bathroom graffiti and Quinn should hardly want to change herself into someone that she would happily scrawl obscenities about. 

The fact that she has maligned Rachel in permanent marker is a source of concern for her. She has no ethical conflict, this is not her first foray into bathroom art, but it is worrying that she should even bother to attack Rachel Berry’s character. Even with glee club in the picture Rachel should barely enter into the Venn diagram of her life and Rachel should most certainly not be worthy of an attack from Quinn Fabray. Rachel is so far beneath her that she should be invisible and yet Rachel has somehow begun to plague her thoughts. The brunette has no right to be there and the fact that she can’t get her off her mind causes endless irritation for Quinn Fabray.

The fact that someone like Rachel Berry is very much trying to get into her boyfriends pants would be a reason for anger that at least has face value but Quinn knows that she is not worried about her boyfriend sleeping with someone like Rachel. If someone were to come along and sexually satisfy her boyfriend but been so inconsequential on the school hierarchy that Finn would never leave her from them she would actually probably thank them for their help in making her life easier. So, no, she doesn’t have a problem with someone like Rachel Berry wanting to sleep with her boyfriend, she has a problem with Rachel Berry wanting to sleep with her boyfriend. 

She tries to tell herself that this is because she loathes Rachel and some days she can almost make herself believe that propaganda. On the days that she can’t believe it she does her best to block out the knowledge that she hates the thought of anyone sleeping with Rachel Berry and the worrying questions that raises. Hating someone used to be a lot easier for her before she met Rachel. Hate should be pure and somehow Rachel has taken that from her which only makes her hate her more and yet it seems that no matter how much hate she generates it is never enough.

Quinn Fabray shouldn’t be worried about Rachel Berry right now anyway. Quinn Fabray has much bigger problems. There is about to be a major decrease in her share value. She will no longer be the perfect, golden haired head cheerleader. She will no longer curry favour with Sue Sylvester. She will cease to be anything other than a girl too stupid not to allow herself to fall pregnant in high school. She will be pitied and she will be mocked and people will wonder how she could have let this happen. That is a better question than they will realise – she is too smart to have let this happen and that really only leaves the possibility that she has deliberately sabotaged herself. She doesn’t want to think about that because any possible motive that she might have to have committed social suicide is terrifying. 

Here she is broken and fallen and soon to be publicly destroyed and god damn Rachel Berry seems to be singing to her, offering overtures of warmth and support. In the moment while they are on stage she ceases to be Quinn Fabray and she sings right back at Rachel. She knows the song will end and that everything will return to normal and that is very comforting. Right now she can be Quinn and it’s ok for her to let Rachel in. There are a lot of things that are ok for Quinn - Quinn can admit that she’s not in love with her boyfriend, Quinn can acknowledge that she doesn’t like her life, Quinn can be aware that while she may not want to be like Rachel Berry she very much wishes she could be with Rachel Berry. Thankfully Quinn is not in control. She remains Quinn Fabray and Quinn Fabray will protect her from these things that can never happen.


End file.
